


Not-So-Dark Souls 3

by LandZhark



Category: Dark Souls (Video Games), Dark Souls III
Genre: Adventure, Comedy, Humor, Parody, sometimes crack
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-05
Updated: 2018-10-17
Packaged: 2019-07-07 10:54:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 19,092
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15906837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LandZhark/pseuds/LandZhark
Summary: Discover Dark Souls 3 like you never have before! Crappier and far less cryptic, but hopefully with more personality. If you really like Yhorm and imagined the Abyss Watchers non-zombified would have been fratboys, this is your story! JO-ing legions of the undead, lonely giants, and way-too-close and super bored magical kinda-zombie sibings abound!





	1. The Lords In All Their Cinder-y Splendor

A peaceful quiet reigned over Firelink Shrine as the bell's toll faded away into a calm din. With a blank stare the Shrine's Firekeeper sat on the steps to the resident bonfire, which had no fire at all. Useful. The only sound made was the rhythmic clanking of the blacksmith's hammer on an estoc that never seemed sharp enough. He never even so much as changed where he hit the weapon. Another clang assaulted the Firekeeper's ears. Then another, a third.

"Andre," she called behind her, "I doth fancy that weapon is sharpeth quite enough for now. Might it be fitting to cease?"

"Sorry ma'am!" The gruff smith yelled in response. "Just gettin' this blade ready for company. Wanted to impress the Lords."

The Firekeeper buried her head in her hands."I see, understandable." A sigh escaped her as the clanking started up again.

This time the Shrine Handmaiden spoke up."Pay him no mind, Firekeeper. That hammer-jocky is just upset he won't be useful this time around. Seeing as the Lords of Cinder don't need him in the slightest." A baleful laugh then swallowed the sound of Andre's hammer.

"You old hag!" Andre yelled. "They'll need my hammer as much as they'll need your trinkets. Unless the Lords fancy throwing shiny stones at one another?"

"Stuff it and go stroke your furnace, has-been."

"Prithee, say that to my face. Witch!"

"I am, I'm only ten feet away from you. Learn some maths, barbarian, then you might know the financial benefits of a blacksmith that actually sells weapons."

"I... I don't need to sell weapons... Oh, you're just jealous I've kept my good looks so long!"

Their squabble soon devolved into a general melee of insults that resounded in every inch of the acoustically sound shrine. "That pair hath spent overmuch time together." The Firekeeper muttered, silently damning their shared fate of undeath as she pinched the bridge of her nose.

"Yo bros! I found a building!"

"Sweet bro, maybe it's a club."

"Dude, maybe they've got chicks!"

"Alright! Might finally get some puss around here!"

The argument ground to a sudden halt, with a hundred sets of clanking armor and fifty high fives creating a commotion that put every past disturbance to shame. The Firekeeper chose to ignore their past outbursts and instead looked on in reverence at the collective Lord of Cinder: The Abyss Watchers, Head of the Undead Legion. A platoon of a round hundred undead warriors, clothed in leather armor emblazoned with a red cape. The force settled around the small room, sitting wherever they could. The apparent leader walking a few steps ahead of the rest. He stopped short in front of the Firekeeper, anticipation etched on what little of his face was visible over his… what was going on with that neck?

The Firekeeper again ignored their fashion sense and curtsied low to the warrior. "Welcome, Lord of Cinder, please excuse these abrupt summons. Alas I must impart to you that the First Flame has once again grown low, its rightful heir having abandoned it. It is in need of sustenance, to this end I must implore your assistance in once again linking the fire for a new age. A most noble sacrifice, I promise. Please, won't you once again die, for the sake of the fire?" Her speech done she looked up through her tiara at the leader, trying her best to read his expression. In return all she received was flat dissatisfaction.

"No." The leader responded flatly. "I am not burning in that fire again. How about you bros?" He yelled behind him, a deafening rally cry of "Yeah bro!" greeted him.

Oh no, nonononono. Not this. The Firekeeper thought. She curtsied lower, bending more into a bow. "Please, I implore you to reconsider Lord of Cinder. This world has not much time if no action is taken."

"Fine, you want my help." He smirked under his turtleneck, an evil glint flashing in his eye. "Show me your Twin Humanities." The Abyss Watcher responded without losing a step, in response the legion exploded into whoops and whistles.

"Um, Twin Humanities? I doth not understand what thou meanest."

The lanky warrior pointed a bony finger at her chest. "Those. Now. Or no deal. Pull those warlocks out of their magistry." Another scream of agreement from his legion resounded.

"IZALITH N-" Quickly she clapped a hand over her mouth. With a breath, she counted to ten and tried again. "Come now, surely be reasonable, you must agree it is most unwise to stake our world on something so primal."

"Why?" The leader shot back. "This world isn't mine anymore, prude. I just got brought back, like, five minutes ago. And from what I've seen, there isn't much worth saving. Other than my sweet booby pics and those are at Farron Keep." With that, he turned around on his heel and walked back toward the entrance to Firelink Shrine. Walking through the entry he stuck his middle finger in the air. "Undead Legion is outie!"

She could hear their conversation as they faded into the distance.

"Nicolaus! Let's have a JO sesh when we get back."

"Hell yeah, JO! Get the crystals Markous! Bradlian, pick up some lube! We're JO-ing tonight!"

"Let's get some positive energy flowing!"

The voices fading away to nothing the Firekeeper let out a cry of defeat and sunk to her knees. In her anguish, she let go of her proper speech."That's it. We're done for. Five minutes into my job and I already messed up! Pack up guys, we'll just up and head to Catarina. They've got all the jolly people, right? They won't even know the world is ending they're so drunk. We could follow that example."

"Calm down, Firekeeper. Do not despair yet, we have two more chances. Worse comes to worse we can send an Unkindled after the Abyss Watchers."

The Firekeeper leaped from the ground, lifting her tiara and wiping her eyes. She pumped a fist into the air. "Yeah, we've still got this! No stubborn Lord can beat this power trio, right? Heh, I'll just have to be even more persuasive in getting those overgrown brats to those damn thrones. WE CAN DO THIS!"

Twenty minutes later…

The illustrious Firekeeper laid forlorn in the fetal position at the base of the bonfire, sucking her thumb without shame. "Oh no… I'm going to die… Here comes my doom… I'll be off to death soon, Firekeeper Tower here I come… Throw me in and throw away the key..." She sang despondently.

Andre broke her reverie. "You know, you'd think if the Flame could revive people it could also make 'em come to the Shrine. That'd work out a lot better. 'Specially with Aldrich."

Yes, Aldrich had simply not even shown up at the Shrine. Andre continued, hammer strikes punctuating his sentences. "Which, when ye think about it, means the First Flame just revived an omnicidal cannibal and unleashed it on the world again. I mean, think about it. He can do whatever he wants with no restrictions. Actually, he'd be even mightier, being a Lord of Cinder and all. Who knows how many people he'll eat this time. Really makes you wish we could have stopped 'em."

"Andre, I appreciate your comfort immensely, but perhaps you should focus on your work for now.'

"Ay, Firekeeper!" Andre yelled as blows rained like hail on the ever-unsharpened Estoc.

The Shrine Handmaid made her final attempt at comforting the Firekeeper. "We shall be fine young one, there is still Yhorm, and I am sure he shall cause no problem. He is a lonely creature, only wishing to be accepted. We need only be present to persuade his cooperation."

"Right," the Firekeeper sniffled out. "There's still Yhorm, I'm sure that'll work out great. Reviving two Unkindled won't make much of a difference, right? I can..." Her voice became shaky. "I can…" She sniffled. "I CAN'T DO THIS!" The Firekeeper erupted into sobs, the ground around her becoming wet with tears in an instant. "I can't take this anymore! I've been stuck in this darn Shrine for ages. When I finally get the chance to talk to people, besides you two!" She interrupted when she heard Andre begin to speak. "No one decent shows up. I was told I'd be the head of a legendary quest to revive the First Flame. Not a desperate corralling of half-baked Lords that includes an entire group of people sharing one stinking s-" She stopped mid-rant as the ground shook beneath her. She paused to listen. Soon after another impact shook the entire Shrine. The impacts grew in power until a giant form, almost human, paused at the entrance to the Shrine. A massive iron mask peeked through the entrance. It took only that much of the creature to block the entrance in its entirety. There was only one being it could be, Yhorm the Giant, King of the Profaned Capital.

His deep voice boomed out, reverberating in all of her bones. "Um, excuse me? Is this Firelink Shrine?" The mask trained its hole on her. "Oh, are you alright Miss?

The Firekeeper bounded up from her self-pity at light speed and brushed off her dress with a huff. With her face still red from embarrassment she held her breath and entered Firekeeper mode again. One more time, come on now, put on that Firekeeper magic. "Welcome, Lord of Cinder, please excuse these abrupt summons. Alas, I must impart to you that the First Flame has once again grown low, its rightful heir having abandoned it. It is in need of sustenance, to this end I must implore your assistance in once again linking the fire for a new age. A most noble sacrifice, I promise. Please, won't you once again die, for the sake of the fire?" One final touch for good measure. "Pretty please? With a soul on top?"

"But," The head retreated and was replaced with an arm in the entrance, it gestured to the thrones of the Abyss Watchers and Aldrich. The arms pulled back and again the head was stuck back in. "Where are the others Lords? There are four thrones here. Goodness, I sure hope I have not come early again. I tend to do that at parties."

"Ah, well you see…" The Firekeeper trailed off. Already, she knew this was going to be bad. Very bad. "Your fellow Lords of Cinder seem to have abandoned their duties. But do not worry! Unkindled can be sent after them, they may be ashes at that point." She added with a whisper. "But you shan't be alone in your duties. I promise you."

If the giant could look sad he would have. "I'm truly sorry, miss, but I must be going too then. My citizens have been without a protector for too long and I fear for the Capital's safety. I must check on them. Will you allow me to do this?"

"You are asking me if… Oh my." The Firekeeper was at a loss. She held her head down and considered the truth. No, it was too cruel. "Of course, Yhorm, if you must leave I will not stop you, only… You know what must be done to retrieve you when necessary, correct?"

Without a word, the giant began pulling his head out to leave but paused midway. He added solemnly, sounding as wise and soft as a sage despite his booming voice, "Do not worry too much, when the time comes I will not resist the Unkindled you send for me. I realize my time is short, but I wish to use what little I have wisely. Thank you, Firekeeper, for this chance to see my dear subjects again." And with that, his thundering steps faded off into a distant sad memory.

The Firekeeper fell into sadness once again, but not for the reason she had before. She collapsed onto the steps surrounding the bonfire and buried her face on crossed arms. She posed a question to the Shrine Handmaid. "Handmaid, should I have told him what happened to the Profaned Capital when he linked the fire?"

She heard a sorrowful sigh from up the steps, where the Handmaid sat. "No, young one, you made the most merciful decision possible. It is best that he enjoys the small happiness of anticipation for a while, he has so little joy. Besides, it will be easier for him now, he shall hollow before he links the fire."

"Right, I hoped so. Thank you."

"Think nothing of it."

The Shrine lapsed into contemplative silence. The Handmade spoke again. "Now be prepared, the bell is preparing to toll once more, to call the Unkindled from their graves."

As if to underscore her statement the great bells tolled once more in a final effort of salvation. And what an effort it was, great ringing tolls shook the foundations of the Shrine. Eclipsing the giant's footfalls as though they were the steps of a flea. Amidst dust falling on her ruined robes the old woman chuckled. "Pathetic really, our final hope is to be those who were too weak-willed to link the fire in the first place. So it is that seeketh ember."

The Firekeeper from her seat clenched her fists in determination. "That's right, this is our very last chance. We can't fail this time guys. No matter what we will save the fire! If it's a quest the fire wants it's a quest it'll get. With me strengthening the Unkindled, Andre outfitting them with weapons, and you… selling them knickknacks, we will as a unit be the backbone of the world's revival." She jogged up the steps to where Andre and the Handmaid sat. She held out her arm to them and they placed their hands on top of hers. "Will you stick with this rookie Firekeeper for a little longer?" They nodded without hesitation and she felt tears prick her eyes. "Then…" She began lifting her arm in triumph.

"Let's save the world!" The Firekeeper and Handmaid yelled, wait. "Andre, you were supposed to yell with us."

Andre scratched his head with his hammer. "Uh, Firekeeper, you never exactly specified what to say. Or that we were yelling anything at all. Um, I'm ready now though."

"Learn to read the moment, hammer jockey." The Handmaid retorted.

"It wasn't clear! Let's try again, I'll get it this time!

"No, it's fine. The moment's been lost anyway. Damn it."


	2. A Reluctant Knight's Rebirth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: So… uh… hey. This is the author checking in. Just though I'd put in an author's note on this chapter since I didn't in the first. Just noticed that every other fanfiction seemed to have one, so since this is my first I figured I'd do the same. Yeah. Not really much to say. Just that any questions about the story or my choice of characterization changes can be directed to the "Review" section of this story. Any suggestions can also be directed there, want more comedy or more serious moments? Now's your chance to get it!  
> P.A.N.(Post Author's Note): I guess I'm supposed to suggest you fav/follow/comment something or other, but if you planned to do that it wouldn't need to be suggested, so don't worry about me doing that!

Chapter 2: A Reluctant Knight's Rebirth

Far away from the Shrine and its residents, the bells deep tolls rolled. It passed over the lands surrounding the Shrine all the way to the nearby graveyard. Past cliffs and undead grim reaper wannabees, past Ludex Gundyr and Ludleth pathetically dragging himself toward the Shrine. In the graveyard the sound rattled the very graves that held the Unkindled. It traveled without losing a bit of its volume, loud enough to wake the dead.

And wake the dead it did. The waking groans of two Unkindled emanated from the coffins as the lids were lifted, and without a word, the two figures stumbled toward the Shrine. One pausing to open a nearby coffin and retrieve a sword and shield from its occupant.

It was not until much later that exact occupant was revived themselves. A nameless knight laid in a bare coffin, sword and shield stolen, and armor stripped bare. Beneath a concealing helmet, ash-caked eyes snapped open to find themselves bathing in light again, streaming through a small crack in the coffin. Huh, this is a boring death dream. The Knight thought. The form heaved a tired sigh, only to be forced to stop halfway through as he nearly hacked up a lung in a dust-spewing fit of coughing. As the body heaved contaminated breath in and out the coffin he laid in became covered in ash and dust, and in a desperate struggle for breath he kicked the coffin's lid off as hard as he could. Flailing his arms blindly, he stumbled about the inside of the tomb, hacking up volumes of dust. A choked yelp escaped the Knight as he tripped on the outside of the coffin and he landed in a heap of armor and dirt on the ground. There he lay, continuing to cough until the dust and ash slowly became normal air.

As the last bits of contaminant left his body, the Knight righted himself on the ground in a sitting position. He looked around him, at the cemetery and the dead world surrounding it. With trembling hands, he touched his helmet. He could feel again, and as his coughing fit attested he could breathe again. There was no doubting it, he was alive once more, the world seemed to be falling apart right now, and he really had to pee!

In a frantic scramble, he worked to undo the bare bits of armor that protected his hips and legs, at least until a thought occurred to him. Stopping his struggle he paused and whiffed the air coming up from his armor, he retched in reflex as the scent of… bodily functions greeted his nostrils. "Right," he said, "I died in this armor, didn't I? No point to that now." And with a mixture of shame, relief, and undead apathy he released himself on the ground beneath him.

"Pardon me, but might you be Unkindled?"

With a yell of surprise that echoed through the cemetery, the Knight whipped his head all around himself to find the source of the voice. In reflex, he belted out, the sacred fantasy babble of the Lothric Knights. "No need to worry, citizen, 'tis a Lothric Knight on patrol, doing knightly and chivalrous deeds, and certainly nothing uncouth! Uh, huzzah, hah hah!" Blushing like a schoolgirl under his helmet he gritted his teeth and stopped his bowel movement. He set his hands on his hips and attempted to look valiant. "Now reveal yourself, citizen. No need to be frightened."

"I am underneath you."

The Knight's heart all of a sudden found itself in his stomach and he forced his gaze downward. Below him, laying on his stomach, was a small man wearing a crown, his only clothing a freshly dampened set of tattered robes. Guess there's no point to that shtick then. He thought. "Oh, uh, sorry about that little guy."

The man gave him a weak smile. "No worries, I've had worse. You are Unkindled?"

The Knight squatted down to be eye level with the man and tried to ignore the stench. "That depends on what an Unkindled is, and who you are."

"I'm Ludleth of Courland, a recent Lord of Cinder, or at least, I think I am. Time is confusing when you've been dead. And you are an Unkindled, or an undead reborn to link the fire. One who's failed before," The Knight found himself vaguely remembering something like that. "Most likely you were too weak-willed to truly fuel the fire's ambition." Right… that had been how he died.

Lord of Cinder, Unkindled, fires. All meaningless vocabulary to the Knight. He didn't even want to be here in the first place. "Right, so how do I go back to not being... here?"

Ludleth beamed up at him, "You unite the Lords of Cinder and link the fire."

"You keep saying that, but what's a Lord of Cinder?"

"Someone who's linked the fire before."

"Then why won't they link the fire? Obviously they're better at it than I am."

"They don't want to."

"Then why didn't the cycle's heir just do it?"

"He didn't want to either, hence the Lords of Cinder."

"Alright, then where am I?"

"Hmm... now I can't say I know the answer to that question. In fact, I wish to know myself. Now questions aside I must humbly ask you to carry my body to the Shrine. As you can see I don't have the strongest legs." He wiggled the stumps of his legs in the air, laughing to himself. "Love that joke."

"Well, wait now. I haven't agreed to do this yet."

"No, not yet. But we achieve nothing by standing in this cemetery. If you wish to refuse your duties it can at least be in the comfort of a bonfire." To bolster his point a frigid breeze blew through the abandoned graveyard, knocking over an undead that had begun walking toward the pair.

"Good point. I'm depressed enough right now." Without another protest, he kneeled in front of Ludleth and the small man wrapped his arms around the knight's neck. Getting up the Knight found himself barely hindered by the man's weight, no more so than by his helmet. They began walking away from the Unkindled graves. "Oh, wait." The Knight ran back toward his grave. "I have to get my sword and shi-" He looked down into the tomb. His weapons were gone. In despair, he slumped down onto the edge of his coffin. "I really liked that shield… damn it."

As the pair walked toward the Shrine, Ludleth piped up once again. "Pardon me, Unkindled, but I completely neglected to ask your name. What might it be?"

The Knight stopped in his tracks and stared straight ahead, he squinted his eyes in concentration. "I, uh, I don't know. I'm sure I had one. I know I was part of the Lothric Knights, that much I remember, so my memory can't be that terrible." He pounded his fist into his helmet in frustration before sighing. "Guess my identity doesn't even matter in this whole thing anyway."

Ludleth rubbed the Knight's shoulder. "Perhaps it will in time. Don't worry now, I will call you Unkindled for the time being."

"Yeah, good enough..." As they continued down trudging through the coiled roots of trees and crazed undead, the Unkindled found himself unable to take the continuing scent of his years-soiled armor. "Before we go I really have do change this armor." His eyes locked onto an armored corpse leaning peacefully on a fountain. "Is that?" In quiet morbid fascination, he leaned down to inspect the warrior. The man was so well equipped but had been defeated so soon, he knew the feeling. He was Astoran too, probably lived his whole life to pursue the dream of lighting the fire. The Unkindled felt a heavy load of empathetic sadness weigh on him. He did his best to brush it aside. "Sorry, about this." He muttered to the corpse.

Mentally reciting the limericks he had been taught in the Lothric Knights on how to undo armor, he picked apart the corpse's armor and then put it on himself. Once equipped he walked to a nearby zombie and tried to see his reflection in the undead's shield. "Nice, I'd always envied the Astorans for this armor." He rubbed the armor's heavily armored left arm. "Especially this part, amazing for shields."

"They did believe heavily in the merit of shields against magic," Ludleth commented.

Apparently, the zombie did not respect the Astoran's consideration for shields and attempted a swipe at his head. The Unkindled dodged and countered with a brutal punch to the zombie's head. Once on the ground, he began kicking the zombie until it stopped moving. "That reminds me, I should find a weapon."

Going back to the corpse he searched around and found a sword and a blue flask, much like his Estus one. He checked the sword the knight had been holding and was disappointed to find it broken. He decided to take it nonetheless. He stopped to look at the blue Estus flask. He grabbed it and held it up to Ludleth. "Know anything about this one?"

The man shook his head. "No, I can't say that I do. Perhaps you could try it?"

He swirled the contents of the flask around. "I don't really want to."

Ludleth chuckled. "Not as if it can kill you."

Good point. The Unkindled uncapped the bottle and inched it to his mouth. With a quick motion, he tipped it back and allowed the liquid to enter his mouth. He hummed in thought as he swished it around in his mouth, hoping to get a feel for it. It was thicker than a drink, somewhere between syrup and water in consistency. Despite that, the taste was not terrible, somewhat like berries. His eyes widened in realization. This, this was the taste of those berries. Those wonderful berries that had grown inside... her garden. Those days of quiet play and dreams walked across his vision as the essence spread through his body. Finally, he felt the ashen textures of the substance invade the taste and he was forced to swallow it. He ignored the tears pricking at his eyes and turned back to Ludleth. "I think it replenishes my magic."

Ludleth nodded. "That would be useful, should we keep it?"

The Knight looked at the bottle in his hand. His first instinct was to throw it, classic knight training in avoiding emotional intimacy and all that. But, he hesitated, and finally moved to tuck it into the pouch at his hip."Yeah, let's use it."

Taking the shield up and strapping it on his arm he continued once again to the Shrine. "So, Ludleth, how do I get into the Shrine? Is there some test or sacrifice, do I have to be over a certain height, something like that?"

The Knight walked along, pummeling any undead that wandered too close with his shield. "Ah, you see you must defeat Ludex Gundyr. He judges who is worthy to hunt the Lords."

The Knight continued up a hill until he tripped over an unseen obstacle. Facedown in the dirt he directed another question to Ludleth. "What the Izalith was that?"

Ludleth looked back from his spot on the Knight, seeing a lone sword stuck into the ground, surrounded by bones. He chuckled "It's a bonfire." The small man reached out his hand to the sword and it ignited, sending embers spiraling into the air.

The Unkindled sat up to look at the burning sword. "Wow, so those are still around. Good, because I get the feeling I'm going to be dying soon." He got up and investigated the sword closer. He held out a hand to touch the hilt. "You think I could use this thing to fight Gundyr?"

Ludleth shook his head. "Doubtful."

"Great. How about we see what I have to beat with my bare hands then?"

One arm-flailing, scream-filled sprint through the masses of the undead brought them to an arena shaped opening. On one side was a large expanse that fell down into nothingness, across from the pair was a set of giant steel doors. In the very middle of the circular area was a stone statue with a coiled sword impaled through its chest. The Unkindled entered the arena and walked toward the statue to investigate. It appeared to be of a man. If men were over nine feet tall. Kneeling on one knee, he held a large halberd. Bulging muscles appeared to peek through his armor and on the back he noticed what seemed to be a small Pus of Man outbreak. So, in summary, this was going to be easy. Definitely easy.

"Alright, so how do I wake the big guy up? I'm ready to get to this bonfire."

"Just pull that sword out of his chest and he shall awaken."

The Unkindled placed both hands on the sword and began to pull. "This is great! Now I can bludgeon him with this thing! Life is just turning out peach-" The sword exited Gundyr's body and slipped out of the Unkindled's hands. It clattered onto the ground with a pitiful "tink" before rolling away. The Knight blew on his hands and flexed his fingers, ignoring the grinding sounds of Ludex Gundyr awakening. His body becoming flesh and armor again as he rose to his feet."Ow, that was heavy. Jeez." The Knight froze as he felt a moist and heavy breath on his head. Slowly, he looked up to find his face firmly implanted into Gundyr's crotch. "Oh, hello there, good si-" With a resounding clang, the Knight flew from the arena and off the mountain. The cry of "SCREW YOU GUNDYR!" echoing throughout the cemetery.

Fifteen Tries Later…

The Knight sat despondently at the nearest bonfire, his head in his hands. "You know, I think that went pretty well. Just a little more and we would've got him."

Ludleth's head poked up from the ground. "You really think so!"

"NO! That sucked! I suck. How am I supposed to defeat him without a weapon…" He trailed off as he looked at Ludleth's small, nimble, light, and quite sword-like body. He kneeled in front of Ludleth and cleared his throat. "Ludleth." He placed a hand on his shoulder. "I must ask a request of you. I realize it is strange, but it must be done to get past Gundyr." He looked right into Ludleth's eyes, locking into his gaze. He spoke in a deep and sensual voice. "May I utilize your underdeveloped body to bludgeon my enemies to death?"

"I don't think that would be effective, Unkindled."

"It's the only way."

"I cannot see what use I would possibly be in this situation."

The Unkindled edged closer, "The most help, you would be a powerful force in my victory. A colossus!"

That bit had gotten to the small man, "A colossus..." He mumbled. "I really don't know..." He trailed off.

The Unkindled's right hand gripped Ludleth's other shoulder. "Please, I only wish to grip you by your stubby legs and swing your small body at Gundyr's face until he dies. And possibly throw you at him in order to retreat myself in case of an emergency."

Ludleth blushed. "Like a kangaroo?"

The Knight nodded slowly. "Just like a kangaroo."

Ludleth turned away bashfully and hid his face in his hands. "I'm not sure if my body is ready for that. This is my first time."

"Think of this as your chance to show the world exactly what a true Lord of Cinder can do. No, what you can do!" He rose up and lifted Ludleth into the air, holding him off the cliff and out past the edge of the mountain. They looked out together, at the world's endless possibilities. He put his face right next to Ludleth's as they watched together. "Can you see it, Ludleth? The endless adventures out there for a mighty Lord of Cinder like you. It'll be great! We just have to get past that one little obstacle, through me beating him to death with your face. We can do it!"

Ludleth's face lit up with excitement and he pumped his fists into the air. "YES! YES! I CAN! I! AM! THE! LORD! OF! CINDER! AHHHHHHHHH!"

"YOU CAN DO IT!

"YEAH, I CAN!"

A sixteenth panicked sprint through the undead brought them in front of Gundyr once again. The Unkindled stood in triumph, his shield slung across his back and his hands holding Ludleth's legs. "Alright, little guy, here we go!"

Ludex started aggressively, swinging his halberd back and forth in front of himself as the Unkindled rolled and dove between the strikes. One swing went too wide and the Knight rushed forward and swing Ludleth at Ludex's knees. With an explosion of teeth and a wail of pain from Ludleth, the blow sent him buckling and he aimed a powerful golf swing to Ludex's skull. Ludleth grabbed on and pulled, preventing Ludex from moving his head. Taking his shield from his back the Knight slammed the edge of it into Ludex's neck and across his jaw. Ending with a kick to Gundyr's groin for good measure he pulled Ludleth back off and retreated slightly.

Or he would have if Gundyr had not gripped him by the shield on his back and pulled him into the air. He threw him up and the Knight fell as he was impaled on the edge of Ludex's halberd. He was slammed into the ground and drug across it. He came off and rolled to a stop in front of a tree. The halberd came after and planted itself above the Knight's head.

"Unkindled, quickly, the flask!" His Estus flask was pushed into his hand and the Unkindled took a quick swig as the halberd was pulled out of the tree again. Scurrying to his feet, the Knight stumbled a bit in dizzyness before sprinting away from Gundyr's looming figure. His halberd was beaten into the ground as he swung it uselessly in rage. One blow caused it to be stuck there.

Seizing the opportunity, The Knight slung the shield from his back and turning quickly he flung the shield toward Gundyr's head. The blow knocked his head back and the Unkindled charged forward again and jumped off of Gundyr's halberd and into the air, slamming Ludleth down onto his head. He felt Ludleth's body tense as he bit into Ludex Gundyr's neck. "Nice one, Ludleth!" The Knight grabbed his shield off of the ground and once more slammed it into Ludex's head.

The Knight grabbed Ludleth off of Ludex's neck and hopped back as Ludex Gundyr began to rumble. In an explosion of slime, the Pus of Man erupted from his back and formed a mass of shining muck across Ludex's upper body. The mass becoming a giant claw, tail, and mouth. The pair had not seen this one before. "Uh… Ludleth? What're we supposed to do about that?" He screamed.

Ludleth turned in his grip to look at the Knight. He said in the most serious tone possible. "Kangaroo me. Throw me at the beast's ankles."

The Knight beamed with pride, "Is your body ready?" Ludleth nodded. Alright…" He cocked his arm back and aimed. "Then Joey that bitch!" The Knight yelled as he flung Ludleth's body at the beast. Impacting against him, Ludleth grabbed on and began furiously biting and clawing Ludex's ankles. The beast began to panic and flailed around the battlefield, knocking into trees and structures. The Unkindled cheered Ludleth on as he sprinted toward the coiled sword on the ground. "Go, Ludleth! You bite those ankles! You bite those ankles like a Lord!" He slid on the ground, picked up the sword and sprinted back toward Ludex, hoisting the sword over his shoulder. "Don't let them hold you down!" The Knight weaved between claw swings, pummeling the coiled sword into any opening he found.

In a wild swing, the beast's claw came at the Unkindled in an upward arc. Sensing an opportunity the Unkindled grabbed onto the hand and swung high into the air. At the peak of the arc, he let go and was flung high above Ludex. "Hey, Ludex…" He aimed the sword below him and came down into a dive. "You want this sword back…" He pulled his legs back to dive faster and grinned in triumph as realization shone on the monsters face. He heaved downward and as he came down onto the beast the sword was impaled violently through Ludex's chest in an explosion of slime and blood. The deed done, the Knight kneeled on the beast's back. "Then take it and die."

The beast groaned in a death rattle. "Not again… every time…" And with that the monster faded away, leaving the Unkindled and Ludleth laying on the ground panting. A message appeared in writing above the pair. Heir of Fire Defeated.

Suddenly a great heat rose up in the Knight and he erupted into embers. "What the hell!" The Unkindled screamed rolling in the water around where Ludex Gundyr once kneeled. "Jesus Pygmy, why am I on fire! I- wait." He paused and sat up in the puddle, gazing at his hands. "Why doesn't this hurt? In fact, it feels really good! Like a bonfire is inside of me. This is great. Hey, Ludleth, what is this?"

He turned to look at the small Lord who had rolled to lay on his stomach. The old man wiped the blood from his mouth and spit out a couple of teeth. He chuckled. "This is what the existence of a Lord of Cinder feels like, Unkindled. Magical, isn't it? Your own personal bonfire. That is the feeling I became so enamored with in my sacrifice. Made all the effort worth it."

"Really, so I can become a Lord too?"

Ludleth smiled sagelike. "If only for a short while, at least until you link the fire."

"Right, right." His head snapped up suddenly. "Say, Ludleth, what happens to you when I link the fire?"

The old man's smile withered a bit. "It does not matter, it is a long way away. For now, let's enjoy this small victory." He rubbed his battered body. "It was quite a battle."

"Yeah, it was." The Unkindled lit the bonfire near him and after carrying Ludleth to it, sat down. They reclined together on the ground and looked up at the sky above. "It really was."

"Yes, I believe we deserve a small rest before we finish the walk to the Shrine."

"Huh, would you look at that, a dragon."

"This world truly is full of mysteries."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: For those who may be confused by the "Like a kangaroo" joke, this gag is based on the real life survival tactic of kangaroos. Namely that when threatened they will throw their children at the threat in order to attack or distract it. Pretty messed up, but the descriptive gag of a small man being thrown at hulking monsters was too good to pass up. Fun facts!


	3. The Unkindled Really Are Losers

There was a clear reason the Unkindled had all failed in the first place. This was a recurring thought the Firekeeper failed to keep from her mind as she looked at the magnificent warriors that the First Flame had revived. A lack of will was one factor, she could see that being an excuse. Getting to the fire only to be too weak-willed to truly fuel it. But, looking at the trio standing at a lackluster attention in front of her she could see a greater issue. Some unifying force of mediocrity. That being, a general lack of, well, intelligence that permeated the group.

Looking from left to right she could see: One, an idiot dressed like an onion who had entered screaming about Catarina before offering her a beer, always a good sign. Two, a raggedy knight of Astora with a mismatched grey shield who had not said a word beside mumbling about some fellow named Horatio, or something. And lastly, a crestfallen deserter dressed like an Abyss Watcher who had taken to moping in the corner sighing about the unfairness of life. At the moment she could relate. Also, he seemed to be carrying a small wooden shield, great lot that would do for him. To reinforce their inferiority, none of the Unkindled had even attempted to take the bonfire's sword from Ludex Gundyr, leaving the Shrine to still be shrouded in darkness. There was one point, the fourth Unkindled that had been summoned had not even shown up. Whether that gave her hope or fear she was not exactly sure.

Firekeeper magic go go go! "Welcome, Unkind-"

"YOU SON OF A BITCH!"

"He-llo, new fellow!" The onion man greeted merrily.

"What now!" She snapped without thinking, and the group's attention was directed to the entrance of the Shrine. A knight stood at the head of the stairs. With Elite Knight Armor fluttering in the wind, a coiled sword resting on his shoulder and a small crippled man hanging from his neck. For the first time that day the Firekeeper felt her hopes rise slightly.

He pointed to the Astoran knight and slowly marched down the stairs. Ashes rose from his every step like dust from an old pillow. His armor glistened in the light from the flames as he approached the empty bonfire and raised the sword high above his head to thrust it into the ground. The Firekeeper covered her mouth with her hands as she felt color rise to her cheeks. Her heart skipped a beat in anticipation... only to immediately calm itself as the knight slowly tipped backward with a surprised grunt until ending to fall on his back in a mighty clash of armor, with the sword clattering away into the dirt. "Shit, that's a heavy sword." He attempted to roll up into a seating position, but the shield on his back made him fall back down. "Damn it." Defeated, he rolled uselessly from side to side on his back, arms and legs waving in the air. The Firekeeper could only look on in astonished silence.

The knight continued his struggle far past the point of logic, cursing and yelling to no one. Until he finally gave up and crossed his arms across his chest with a frustrated huff. He raised one arm into the air. "Excuse me? May I have some assistance?"

Without a moment's hesitation, the onion knight leaped into action in the most literal sense. "This appears to be a job for Siegward of Catarina! Huh hah!" He dove onto the ground and combat rolled to where the newcomer laid. After three rotations he landed arms extended in a squat. Getting up from the position Siegward grabbed the knight's arm and pulled him up. "Fear not, you have been saved." He posed, putting one arm behind his head and the other out at a forty-five-degree angle from his head with his legs spread wide. "By Siegward! For Catarina! Free of charge, of course." He added.

"Hey, thanks." The knight said. He looked over to the sword. "Hey, onion dude, grab this sword, will you?"

"Hah hah! Siegward can do it!" Siegward skipped over to where the sword had landed, picking it up as if it weighed nothing and stopping to stand in front of the bonfire. "Have at thee, vile ground!" Siegward screamed as he stabbed the sword into the ring of the bonfire. As the coiled sword fully entered the bonfire, flames erupted from it and illuminated the Shrine in glowing warmth and light. "Gadzooks, what a flame!" Siegward reached into his armor and pulled out another mug of his brew. "Let us celebrate with a toast!"

This done, the newcomer turned from the bonfire to the Astoran Knight, once again pointing a finger at her. "You, um, who are you?"

The Astoran flinched at the question. "Um... My name is Anri of Astora."

"Great, well Anri," He moved his finger down to her shield. "How did you get that shield?"

Anri shifted her weight from foot to foot. "I found it."

The knight's tone became dangerous. "Where did you find it?"

She turned her head away, suddenly interested in the steps of the Shrine. "A, um, grave."

"Who was in that grave?"

"A knight."

"Is that knight starting to look familiar?"

Anri looked back at the man. "Not really, you seem to be wearing different armor than he was."

"YOU DO KNOW ME!" The knight grabbed his small companion and charged at Anri, cripple raised high in attack. Though to the Firekeeper's surprise, the small man did not seem to mind. Come to think of it, her gaze went to the crown on the figure's head, was that Ludleth? "And I changed! Now give me back my shield!" He stopped short and heaved a mighty swing with the man. Upon colliding with Anri's stolen shield the attack generated a yell of pain from Ludleth and a fair head-shaped dent on the shield in question.

Anri yelped and ran away with her shield raised over her head. "Horace, save me!" She screamed as the pair(or trio?) ran about Firelink Shrine, swings of the crippled man sending banisters falling and stones smashing. Anri stood behind the Abyss Watcher's Throne, using the swords to duck beneath attacks. "I only stole your sword and shield to survive! I thought you would not need them!"

"I NEEDED TH-" He stopped his onslaught and stood in thought for a moment. His gaze drifted down to Anri's belt. He dropped Ludleth and charged again. "YOU STOLE MY SWORD TOO!" In a tackle, he grabbed Anri around the throat and sent them both off of the Throne and down onto the ground. Once landed he continued to throttle Anri as they rolled on the ground in a childish wrestling match.

"Now, now, fellows." Siegward walked toward the pair and separated them, lifting them into the air by their tunics as easily as one would kittens. "No need to fight over such paltry matters. I'm sure there is a way to resolve this."

Hawkwood piped up from his dark corner of the Shrine. "Probably not."

Siegward seemed to ignore the input. "I know!" He set Anri and the knight down on the ground and reached both hands into his armor. Three mugs emerged. "Let's have a brew!"

The Firekeeper buried her face in her hands. "You've had a dozen of those since you got here..."

Twenty minutes, and fifty Siegbrau's later

"And that's how you win the Catarina joust just moments after winning the Siegbrau drinking contest!" Siegward yelled, sending the trio bursting into explosive bouts of laughter.

The Firekeeper looked on in awe. Not even half an hour ago that knight had tried to kill Anri, and now they had arms wrapped around each another in laughter as if they had been comrades for years. Her guidebook had severely underestimated the contagious nature of a Catarina citizen's friendliness, and alcohol.

"Now then."Siegward put down his mug and paternally set a strong hand on each of the Unkindled's shoulders. "I think there is a way to work past this disagreement, don't you two?"

"Yes, of course," Anri spoke. She reached to her side and picked up the shield. She held it out to the knight. "Here is your shield back, comrade."

The knight brushed it back towards her. "No way, buddy, you..." He let out a hiccup. "Need that shield. Besides," He unslung the blue shield from his back. "I have this one, a sword too. Just have to get it fixed."

Anri's eyes sparkled in delight. "Is that," She raised a shaking finger to the shield. "An Astoran Crest?" She gasped. "With an Astoran Noble's Sword!"

The knight looked at the objects and scratched his helmet. "Huh. I guess so, I didn't really pay that much attention."

Anri leaped forward and clasped his hands. "Please, may I have those? They would complete my collection."

"What?"

Anri leaned back and waved her hands in the air. "My collection of Astoran equipment! You should know, you have the armor too. But, with this shield and sword, I'd be a complete Astoran knight."

"You're from Astora? That's so neat!"

"I'm not." The Firekeeper froze. What? "I just really love that place, it's so majestic and noble. And they have such neat names there. Like Peter and Oscar." She leaned toward the knight, punctuating each word. "So freaking majestic."

"That sounds..." The knight trailed off in thought. "FUCKING AMAZING! Like Oscar, what an awesome name! It's so kingly sounding.

Anri nodded. "What I wouldn't give to be from there. Anyway, please, give it to me. I'll trade you anything."

No way, an Astoran cosplayer. Now the Firekeeper had seen everything she needed to be convinced the world was doomed.

The knight waved a hand dismissively. "No need, we're comrades, so I'll just give them to you." He handed the objects over. "You care about them a lot more than I do anyway, it'd be unfair."

Anri took the pieces of equipment and clasped them as though holding holy relics. "You really mean it?"

The knight's voice suddenly dropped an octave. "Of course."

Anri broke into tears and tackled the knight in a hug. "Thank you! Oh, I know. You can have your sword and shield back, then we'll be even."

Siegward stood behind the scene, he nodded in sagely gratification before raising his hands to the sky. "This is the power of comradery. Bask in it my companions." The pair moved the hug up to envelope Siegward. "Bask."

This is extreme. The Firekeeper sucked in a breath and made an effort to clear her throat as loud as possible. The trio looked up and she clasped her hands in front of herself and bowed. "Now then, let's get back on track and regroup. We have much to discuss."

As the group reassembled in front of her she felt her hope reach a new low, not helped by the fact that three-fourths of the group had to lean on one another to stand. Still, they were all the help she was going to get. One more try was permitted. She took a deep breath and steadied herself, bowing low. Speech time. "Welcome, Unkindled, please excuse these abrupt summons. Alas, I must impart..." She was really getting tired of this stupid speech. Honestly, it didn't really matter what she said anyway, most of the group was drunk."The guy who burned last time is getting extra crispy, eleven delicious herbs and spices, et cetera. It's a noble sack of fries... die for the sake of the campfire my marshmallows need some color." Good enough.

The Firekeeper looked up to four blank faces. The onion man spoke up first. "Aha! So we must link the fire once again, a challenge! But, how do we link the fire, I wonder." He sat on crossed legs and put his hand on his chin. "I must think on this repugnant dilemma."

"No!" She caught herself. "No, no, no. No need to think. I already know, so no need to strain thyself." She pointed to the set of thrones behind herself. "You must kill the current Lords of Cinder and return them to their thrones. These Lords being, the Abyss Watchers," Hawkwood gave a look that was almost surprise. "Yhorm the Giant."

"Avast, my companion!" The onion man yelled.

She continued without hesitation. "Aldrich."

Anri spoke up, desperate determination flashing in her eyes through her helmet. "Horace... we must kill him." She clenched her fist. "I will kill him."

"Someone's dramatic." She mumbled under her breath. "And Ludleth of Courland." No reaction came from the Unkindled. "Oh right, we already have him." She glanced back to where Ludleth sat neglected on his throne. "Right, Ludleth?"

"I suppose I can't very well run away." The man called back.

"So then!" The onion man smashed his sword into the ground. "We must go find these fiends and kill them! Siegward can do it!"

"Yhorm!" The onion man yelled.

"...Aldrich..." Anri attempted to yell.

"Naptime." The Abyss Watcher mumbled, turning and walking toward the Abyss Watcher's throne. "I'll have no part of this farce."

"Come then, comrades! We must sally forth for Yhorm!" Siegward screamed as he marched off toward the bonfire, his military steps quickly devolving to stumbling. "For justice... and peace... popsicles? But, first how about a little rest?" Voice trailing off into a mumble the onion-clad warrior settled onto the ground and laid his head on his chest.

"Yes, lets. I feel quite sleepy all of a sudden as well." Anri stretched her arms and yawned before laying on the ground. She took off her belt to lay her head on and snuggled her treasured Crest Shield like a teddy bear.

The knight was the only Unkindled left standing. For the first time since showing up, he turned his attention to her. "Thanks, for uh..." He trailed off before snapping back to attention. "Helping us, you know? I'm sure most Firekeepers would've given up me. You haven't run away yet. I appreciate it." He walked toward her as if intending to give her a hug, but tripped over his shield he had left on the ground.

The Firekeeper waited in silent anticipation for him to rise again, only to growl in frustration as snores rose up from his body. "There's a knight's appreciation for you." She muttered. Still, as she looked on at the sleeping knight she felt a pang of sadness. She had not had the chance to notice earlier, but up close he looked very young. Too young to have died already, and to be as cynical as he seemed earlier. "Stupid boy, what made you become a knight so early?" She began to turn and walk back to her bedroom but stopped. It wouldn't be right to leave him down there in the dirt. She gestured to the Shrine Handmaiden. "Could I have a pillow?"

"Twenty souls."

She was shrewd as ever. "Fine, I'll pay you tomorrow."

In a moment the requested pillow was flung into her outstretched hand. With a sigh, she lifted up the knight's head gently and slid the pillow underneath it. She gasped as the knight's hand whipped up to grab her wrist. "Thank you, you're a really, really, nice lady..." He laid his head back down and began snoring again.

Cheeks red as twin tomatoes the Firekeeper attempted to tug her hand back only to find it stuck in an iron grip. "No, no, no!" She lifted her hand and brought a fist down on the knight's helmet to punctuate each word with a strike. "You have to let go!" She sighed again. This moment had quickly become far less sweet to her. "Fine, I guess I'm staying here too, and I don't even know your name. Great." She twisted to look at the Handmaid again. "Pillow?"

"Twenty souls."

"Tomorrow!"


	4. Leave the Shrine Already!

"King Lothric, oh, please awaken." A lush and feminine voice called.

The Unkindled's eyes snapped open. In a flurry of head movement he took in his surroundings and easily deduced a drastic change. For one he was in a bedroom, and in the midst of an apocalypse, those did not really exist. He had been in the Shrine, hadn't he? But, for some reason that currently was not the case. In some miracle of chance the dank and dark Firelink Shrine had been replaced by a gorgeous room worthy of a king. Gold and velvet lined the walls and furniture, generous amounts of natural light flowing in through multiple windows. In place of a cold and hard floor, he laid upon a large cushiony bed that might as well have been a cloud in his opinion. Looking down he saw a robe in place of, oh, never mind. A robe had been worn on top of his armor, creating a strange mixture of discomfort and luxury. In short, something was up, and he really really liked it.

Just don't question it. He reminded himself, curling into a ball. After all this was the first good thing to happen to him in a long while and he was in no hurry to ruin it. Don't question it, don't question it, don't question it, don't question it, don't question i-

"King Lothric, what is the matter?" The voice questioned.

His eyes widened. He recognized that voice a mile away. Slowly he moved his head toward the source and his eyes promptly popped out of his head at the sight of a giant red-haired woman lying on the bed next to him. Long hair, sleepy eyes, a gentle smile and... large tracts of land flooded his vision. "P-p-p-p-p-p-Princess Gwynevere!" The knight stuttered out.

Gwynevere gave a gentle chuckle. "Yes, of course, silly. Do you not recognize your own wife?"

The Unkindled issued a quick prayer to the Furtive Pigmy for giving him this gift. He did his best to try as make his voice as deep as possible. "Yes, yes, of course I do."

Her smile widened. "Good, I was worried I'd gotten lost in the masses of kingly knowledge you hold."

Huh? King? Me? Really. Well then, THANK YOU FURTIVE PYGMY! "Well, my wife, how is our kingdom doing this glorious morning?"

Gwynevere gestured a graceful arm toward two glass doors that led to a balcony. "See for yourself." She said breastily, er, breathily.

The Unkindled required no other invitation. Robe flowing, he sprinted to the twin doors and threw them open to enter the balcony. He crept to the edge of the balcony and looked out over the edge. What he saw almost made his heart stop. Spread in front of him was a mighty castle the likes he could only dream of. Massive spires, mighty towers, and banners with his name spread across them. In the distance, he could see large fields in which people appeared to be farming. Some pages walked by beneath his balcony. They shouted greetings up to him before running away.

Attention drawn downward he saw his favorite part yet. An army of knights, his he supposed, were being trained in a lavish courtyard right beneath his room. The captain of these knights looked back and gave him a jolly wave, sheepishly he waved back. "Morning King Lothric!" the man yelled. He spread his hands out to the training knights. "How do they look, sire? Skilled enough for your tastes?"

"Yes, uh, very. You're doing a wonderful job, captain." The Unkindled stammered back.

The captain grinned. "I live to please." He turned back to his recruits and began barking orders again.

"Oh, King Lothric," Gwynevere called from within the bedroom. "Might you come back in?" Her voice became sensuous once again. "My twin humanities need some grasping..."

"Gwyn bless those mighty twin humanities," The Unkindled wheezed out, this was becoming way too good a dream. Yelling in victory he sprinted into the room, tearing his robe and armor off in one clean action. He looked down at himself. "Sweet Jesus Pygmy!" He was even ripped now! "YES! YES! YES!" He called into the air.

"Come on now, I require your Ultra Greatsword for this problem."

"It's an Ultra Greatsword in this dream?" He screamed.

"Hurry, there's a Gaping Dragon on the loose!"

"I'LL SLAY IT!"

. . .

Meanwhile, in reality, the knight laid on the ground, hands outstretched as if attempting to grab air.

"Unkindled." The Firekeeper said, staring down at the sight.

"Oh, Gwynevere..." The Unkindled murmured sleepily, kissing noises echoing from his helmet.

She crossed her arms and huffed. "Unkindled."

"Your Twin Humanities are quite large, I might need to develop bigger hands in this dream... ah, there they are..." He rolled over to his side and continued grasping nothing, but the Firekeeper began to realize with disgust what he was attempting to grab.

"UNKINDLED!"

The Unkindled's hand shot to his sword as he jumped up into a fighting stance."Wha-AH! Oh man, ah-ah-ah..." His hand abandoned his sword to be placed on his head and he lowered himself to the floor. "Oh, my head."

"Well, thou dost deserveth that. I shan't have thee partaking overmuch of strange foreign spirits whenst there doth be important business to confer in, verily."

He held up a hand. "Stop. Just, please stop talking like that. It's killing my brain, and you definitely didn't talk like that last night so it's not fooling me." With an embarrassed blush and a disappointed exhalation, the Firekeeper nodded. The knight looked around. "Damn, back here again. Just can't catch a break. Ah jeez." A hand placed on his head, he stood up and walked outside the Shrine without so much as a look toward the Firekeeper.

"What is he..." Drizzling noises from outside answered her question. He had drunk a lot the night before.

The sound stopped and she heard a sword exit its sheath. "Watashi wa kettō ni anata ni chōsen shimasu!"

"Wait, what? Whoa man, look, I don't really want to... FU-" yells of anguish echoed through the valley. She smirked. The fool had met their resident samurai zombie.

In a moment the knight tumbled out of the Shrine's bonfire, sputtering dust and ash. He glared at her from the ground, "What was that?"

"Samurai Zombie."

"...What?"

"He's a samurai, or rather a swordmaster, who died, somewhere around this area. And now he's a zombie, but still a decent swordsman despite all the, you know, hollowing."

"Huh, alright. That makes about as much sense as anything else around here." He paused and rubbed his head. "Bright side, that death cleared my hangover. Anyway, do you like that guy much?"

"Not particularly. He just runs around out there in circles yelling that nonsense language and challenging the other hollows. Gives me a headache."

"Right, then, I'll be right back..." He stood up and marched out of the Shrine, picking up his shield on the way.

"Hey, Samurai Jack!"

"Nani?"

"Challenge this!"

"Anata no chōsen o ukeireru, kakatte koi yo! Nani? SORE WA ITAI! Chotomatte, chotomatte! WATASHI NO KŌGAN!"

Violent death cries sounded from outside the Shrine, then nothing. The knight walked back in as if nothing had happened, a katana resting on his shoulder. Walking past he gave her a satisfied thumbs-up. "There, the guy finally got his challenge." He jogged up the steps to barter with Andre over this prize.

"Ha hah!" The Firekeeper cursed under her breath. He was awake. "Siegward's glorious waking hours have begun, the sun is shining merrily on my magnificently armored exterior!" He stood up and performed an elaborate stretch that involved somehow touching his toes through an otherworldly contortion of his body. Catarinians. "Now to get down to business. Fare you well, Knight of Dust, may we meet on our travels!" He began walking toward the bonfire.

From the smith's anvil, the Unkindled waved to Siegward. "See ya, Onionbro!"

"Hey, wait just a sec-" Before the Firekeeper could finish her protest he entered the flames and began to disappear.

"Siegward AWAY!"

She felt impending doom rising upon her once again. She was being ignored. They were not supposed to be doing that. They have to use me to level up at the very least!

Next to get up was Anri. From the expression she was making the Firekeeper assumed the alcohol had worn off. Easygoing kindness replaced once again by railing anxiety. If anything she looked far worse than yesterday. The poor girl looked at her then pointed to the bonfire. "Hor...ace?"

She had a horrid case of deja vu with Yhorm the Giant, and once again she relented. Damn my conscience! She sighed and absently waved a hand to her. "Yes, yes, just go. It's fine, you've got the gist of what you have to do."

"Horace." She nodded and gave a gentle smile. Her face perked up as she looked up at the Unkindled by Andre's anvil. "Horace, Horace!" She yelled up as she waved to him.

He waved back. "Be safe Anri, I hope you find Horace!"

"Horace." She thanked as she walked into the bonfire.

"Oh dear Gwyn." The Firekeeper groaned as she fell back on the bonfire steps.

"Bit of a raw deal, huh, this Fire-lighting business?" She looked to her side. Barter done, the Unkindled had walked back down and settled next to her on the bonfire steps.

"You don't know the half of it. Two of my Unkindled are going in the complete opposite direction, you don't seem to want to do anything, and the Artorius Fanboy over there hasn't even moved yet."

The Unkindled hummed in agreement. "I think he's a bit of a lost cause, too bad, he'd probably be stronger than even Siegward, if he could get some motivation."

"This is just completely wrong, you were supposed to work together to defeat the Lords of Cinder with the most efficiency. Not split up and hunt whoever you wanted."

"Maybe the First Flame should've revived people who weren't going to chase after one Lord of Cinder."

"Some mistakes were made," she snapped.

"I don't see how hard it would be to figure out a way to work together. Just have to prioritize based on whoever is the least willing to delay hunting their target. To be honest I don't think I even have one. Can't think of anybody who I'd be desperate to kill."

It was her turn to hum in thought. She looked to her side, at the knight. Strange, he really did seem young for a knight. He was small too, lank and gangly. Doubtful he'd be any real good compared to Siegward, or even Anri. Still, he seemed to almost have his head on straight, and Ludleth said at some point he was a Lothric Knight, so he couldn't be completely useless. Regardless, she was willing to take any chance at the moment. She just had to convince him. Scrunching her face she began to work up tears. A knight's biggest weakness. "It's... it's just so hard, you know? I've been trapped in this tower for years, training and training, and for what? I had one job and I failed! The world's doomed, and I'm to blame."

Tower? Check. Damsel? Yep. Helplessness? You don't even know how much. Now for the final blow. Head tilted down, she looked up at him through her eyelashes. "I just wish... there was someone to help me." That had done it, and just to ensure her victory she made an easy move and broke down in sobs.

. . .

The Unkindled squirmed in his seat as a subconscious force rose in his mind. His eyes widened. Oh no, not HIM!

"Not you Chivalry." He groaned mentally.

"Yes, 'tis I, Chivalry." Chivalry replied.

"No, I'm done with you!"

"Chivalry shan't die, it is eternal. Now to the matter at hand. Yon fair maiden requireth help."

"Nuh-uh, it's not my business. I brought back a Lord of Cinder, I'm done."

"Then who shall help her, is your training failing you?"

"Excuse me, this is a modern Fire Age, she is perfectly capable of helping herself, thank you very much!"

"But, won't it feel good to help her, and what of that Ludleth fellow? Did you not promise him adventures and travels? A true knight does not go back on his word."

"NO! I AM NOT DOING IT! She's probably faking it anyway!" Back home in reality, the Firekeeper wailed in misery. Inwardly, the Unkindled screamed and clutched his head. "Not giving in this time, chivalry. I've seen a lot of knights die over you, I'm not joining them a dozen times over."

"Oh, if only someone could help me! Oh, how great that would be! Really awesome!" The Firekeeper yelled.

"DAMN IT, FINE, I'LL DO IT!"

"Yes! Go forth, young knight. Preserve chivalry!" The subconscious voice faded away. "The Lothric Knights live on in thee!"

Back, in reality, the Unkindled groaned heavily and turned to the Firekeeper. "Alright, I guess I can help you."

"Really, that's so great!" The Firekeeper replied far too fast.

It was too late now, though. "What do we need to do?"

She pulled out a handbook titled Gwyn's Guide to Setting Yourself on Fire, In a Noble Fashion "Well, first on the First Flame Recommended Path to Fire-lighting Success is to travel to the HIgh Wall of Lothric, gateway to the Undead Settlement, which is the beginning of the Road of Sacrifices, which is a path to the Cathedral of the Deep."

He whistled. "They've really got a neat little package wrapped up in that, now don't they? That's about four boss fights right there." He pushed himself up and stretched.

The Firekeeper stood up and held out an object wrapped up in a cloth to him. "Wait, before you go I have something for you." She unwrapped the bundle to reveal his sword, freshly shined and sharpened, its sheath gleaming in the soft light. She looked away, blushing. "I had Andre fix it, just, you know, in case you decided to help after all or something."

The Unkindled felt his frustration soften a bit, she had paid for that repair before he had even agreed to anything, right? She couldn't be that selfish. Regardless, the sight of his sword, looking better than he had ever seen it, caused his spirits to rise sky-high. He turned to the thrones behind them. "Alright, Ludleth. You still up for those adventures I promised you?"

The small man leaned down from his throne. "Oh, yes, yes. I've been waiting for quite a while now."

He grinned. "Nice..." The small man jumped down from his throne and grabbed on to the Unkindled's back. He drew the sword and held it in the air, point to the sky. "Then let's go kick some undead ass!"

"Also, in exchange for that sword, I do have one request."

"What is it, I'm up for anything!"

"You see..."


	5. Lothric Kingdom Really Went to Shit, Huh?

Cursing with the effort, the Unkindled forced the decrepit wooden door open. Each heave and vulgarity pushing the door forward an inch. Dust and splinters of wood flew as the knight fought his way out of the run-down tower he had found himself in, Ludleth reached out an arm in a futile attempt to help. Finally, he got it open and stood in the doorway in shock. "No Gywn-damn way..." In front of him loomed the shittiest looking expanse of shitty kingdom he had seen in a long while, and he had once visited Londor. A cloud of what was most likely, to him, hollow excrement floated all around, giving the crumbling battlements and towers a lovely misting. Pathetic looking hollows in a mixture of rags and armor wandered about like cattle, and he felt his soul die a little as one leaned over the side of a battlement and simply fell over and off the wall with an exclamation of dull surprise. He sighed. In other news, some hollows seemed to be transforming into trees off in the corner, so at least that lot would be useful eventually. "Welp, good to see Lothric Kingdom's doing well these days." He hopped off the platform and lit the bonfire nearby. "I was getting worried." He turned around and yelled into the tower behind him. "Hurry up, Keep, we don't have all day."

A trembling voice wafted out of the doorway in response. "A-are you positive it's safe out there?"

A hollow ambled up to him and he slapped it aside with his shield, "Yeah, totally safe."

He heard a distinct pout in her voice. "You don't sound very sure." Nevertheless, slowly and with incredible reluctance, the Firekeeper tip-toed out from the doorway, borrowed Estoc clutched to her chest like an incompletely sharpened security blanket. It would never be sharpened enough now, that was the real tragedy. "And I'm not sure how useful this Estoc will be."

"Fear not, this area is quite safe, well, relatively." Ludleth offered up.

She scoffed. "I highly doubt-" the retort caught in her throat as she emerged from the shade of the tower. Her eyes widened in wonder. "Oh my goodness, it's just like my book said it be!" In a whirlwind of squeals and exclamations, she sprinted around the small area, marveling over every detail that had caused the knight to be disgusted. With each discovery, she yelled to the Unkindled and Ludleth to relay it. "There are so many people in the world!" A moment later, "They kind of smell... but that's fine! Ow, that one tried to bite me! I don't like him. Oh my gosh, what's that brown cloud? Is that a dragon? THEY HAVE TREE PEOPLE HERE!"

Ignoring her, The Unkindled sat criss-cross applesauce on a battlement at the front of the circular structure, Ludleth sitting at his side twiddling his thumbs in quiet support. Having found a pair of binoculars on the ground they were engaged in creating some semblance of a plan. With one major goal in mind. "Alright, Ludleth, hopefully, this time we can minimize the number of times I get eviscerated." He grumbled.

"I found bombs!" The Firekeeper yelled.

"That's nice dear!" The small man yelled back to her. He turned back to the knight. "And if it's all the same, though I do like adventure, I would also like to not get killed much either. It hurts."

"Okay, so I'm seeing some activity over there," he pointed to the left where a pair of undead armed with axes and two dogs patrolled. "There's also some to the right, a mass of, augh, gross, naked dudes. Oh Gwyn, they're kneeling too, we're not messing with Hollow anus, not today. Wait, is that?" He zoomed in the binoculars on one of the undead. "Great, Pus of Man. Screw the bow, let's just avoid that as long as we can."

"Whoa, these things are everywhere, can we use them?"

"Do you think those undead to the left could be confronted head-on?"

"..."

"Unkindled?"

"Let's see."

1 minute later

"That's a negative."

"Mm."

"They had dogs, Ludleth! I felt bad trying to stab them, it was distracting! They looked really cute while they latched onto my jugular, not in a puppy way maybe, but in that, like, ugly pug way. They were ugly cute. How do I deal with that? And don't even get me started on that third guy, just hiding out in the stairs, that was dirty."

"..."

"Yeah, Ludleth?"

"Well, not to sound doubting, but are you sure you were a Lothric Knight?"

"Yeah, yeah I was Ludleth."

"Oh."

"Hey, couldn't we use these bombs to kill those things? I mean, they really are everywhere." the Firekeeper interjected.

"Whatever you want, Keep. Anyway, if you're thinking that explains the current state of the kingdom, well that frankly hurts my feelings. I'm hurt. I am hurt, Ludleth."

"I would nev-"

"Wounded even."

"...I'm very sorry for the implication."

"I'll get them!"

He turned to face the Firekeeper. "What the Izalith are you doing back there?"

She stood behind him, a towering pile of firebombs stacked in her arms. Struggling with the load, she took one and handed it to him. "Look, these things were everywhere! Let's use them."

The knight sighed and shook his head. "Oh, sweet naive little Firekeeper. I know you're new to this and all, but those firebombs can't possibly work, they're made with gunpowder. That loses potency over time, and no magic hoo-ha can deny that." He grabbed five and walked to the line of battlements to his left, where the pair of undead soldiers patrolled. "Look, here. These will barely be firecrackers now. Watch." With a flourish of his arms, he let the firebombs drop.

One massive explosion later he pulled back from the battlement, the front of his body wet with Hollow chunks and blood. Numbly, he picked one firebomb off the ground and set it in the Firekeeper's arms. "You're in charge of the firebombs."

She looked at the pile, pale-faced in fear. "Are you s-"

"Yes. Just don't drop them. Ever. And keep them away from me. Better yet," He reached down and removed one of the small pouches from his belt. He held it out to her, the top open. "Put the bombs in here, it should be able to hold all of them."

"Unkindled, that seems unlikely."

"Just trust me."

The Firekeeper relented and steadily deposited each of the bombs into the bag, her wonder growing as the bag refused to fill, or become heavier, remaining an exact fifteen pounds. "What sort of demon bag is this?"

The knight laughed and set his hands on his hips. "Nothing like that, just one of the very, very few perks of being revived. The Undead Fanny Pack of HoldingTM. Both times now I've woken up with one of these strapped to my hip. Which means," He pulled a second bag out of the first. "I have two of them, so you can keep that one. I think my old Estus Flask might be in that thing too."

With renewed confidence, the Firekeeper attached the pouch to her belt and looped the Estoc through it. Both changes made, to the knight she almost appeared to be a passable fighter, and he chose to ignore the self-satisfied glow that adorned her face. They began walking again, up the tower to the left, and then back down the other side. Some Hollows wandered the area. "Thank you, very much, Ashen One. I... I never thought..."

"It's fine, really. Nothing I need anymore's in that bag. And what was that you called me, Ashen One? What's that mean?"

She smiled. "It's your name, Ludleth told me you didn't have one."

The knight gave an accusatory glare to Ludleth. "You were asleep for a long time, and I must admit I'm a bit of a gossip when bored."

They walked up the third flight of steps."I just thought how sad it must be to not have a name, and since you've been helping me so much by training me and all, and then bringing me out here. Well, I just thought I could thank you by helping you with a name."

"Whoa, watch it!" The Unkindled pulled her back as a Hollow wielding a spear charged past, now into nothing and tripped off the stairs.

"And since the main thing I've noticed about you is your... relative ashiness compared to the other Unkindled, I thought it would be fitting. Ashen One for the one made of ash."

The knight could not argue much against that. Even shifting his feet as he looked down caused a small trickling of dust to fall from his armor, he had not seen anything close to that from the other Unkindled when he had seen them. In fact, in contrast, nothing seemed to even suggest any ash existing in them. And, Ashen One... he allowed his mind to wander to more Romantic and Adventurous circumstances. Yes, he could see it now. A lone warrior strides out of the mist, ashes dancing from his flowing cloak. He raises his sword in a silent challenge to his foe, and a clash commences. Bet that guy's doing better than him.

Of course, Ludleth decided to indirectly shatter his dreams. "I actually have been thinking of a name for him too, I was thinking of, Dusty. Because he's, well, so dusty!" He gave his trademark old man chuckle.

The Firekeeper giggled. "You know what, I like that! Dusty it is!"

"Wa-wait!" The Unkin- um, I mean, Dusty stammered in protest.

"Yeah, that's way more personal than 'Ashen One' so formal. But I love Dusty, so silly and friendly. It suits you."

Was that an insult? "I think we could revisit the Ashen One ide-"

They entered another tower, this one with a wood floor, their voices now reverberating against the walls of stone. "Nope, it's decided, you're Dusty!"

Dusty did his best to ignore the Hollow that appeared to be fiddling with himself behind a stack of crates. "I think it's my choice, too!"

"No way, a kid doesn't get to decide his name! How about this, when you do something really cool and impressive, you can be called 'Ashen One'. Deal?"

Dusty sighed, "I guess, good enough. I was getting tired of the de-humanization of having 'the' names anyway."

"Yes, how de-humanizing, how did you ever survive it for these three days..." She drawled.

"Sorry." He came up to a metal gate, half covered in rocks. On the other side, he could see some armored Hollows having a decent squat session. "Hey, bomb this will you?"

The Firekeeper pointed to a ladder leading down into the tower. "Why? We can just climb down this ladder."

"No, I've had enough 'sneak attacks' from things hiding in a corner in my last try at this." He pointed down into the depths where the ladder inevitably led. "All that path is going to bring is death and frustration as I get impaled by mindless creatures who have been camping for five centuries. We're taking the shortcut."

The Firekeeper sighed. "Fine, fine. I'll bomb the stupid rocks."

Digging through a pile of books shoved in the corner, Dusty allowed himself a breath of relief as a violent explosion rocked the stone tower. For once in a long while it appeared things were going smooth-

"Oh look, a dragon," Ludleth stated bluntly.

Dusty looked up from the tome he had found and walked up to the gate. Indeed, atop the ledge on the far side of the clearing laid a very bored looking dragon. "Would you look at that. Thought the Lothric Knights had given up on the dragons, well, wyverns, technically."

"How are we supposed to get past that?" The Firekeeper questioned

"Well," He looked to the right, where a separate path led. "We really don't have to, I guess." He stopped himself short as he saw a gleam on the ground. "CLAYMORE!" The knight screamed. "We're going that way!"

"But how?" The Firekeeper questioned again.

Dusty held his palm to her. "Please, I'm a Lothric Knight. I know that dragon, I trained with it." He pointed to the wyvern with one hand, and himself with the other and then clasped the two fingers together. "We're tight. Bros. Dragonbros. I got this."

He set Ludleth down on a crate and swaggered out from the safety of the door to stand in front of the dragon, arms spread wide. "Yo! Buddy, long time, huh?"

The dragon grumbled.

"Yeah, I know, I really need to write. So, how's the wife?"

The dragon growled.

"Geez, don't I know it. Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em, amirite? Huh, huh?"

The dragon snarled.

"Anybutt, loved catching up, but really, I came to see if I could get through here. Seeing as we're old classmates and all, maybe you could just, you know." He tilted his head toward the door and clicked his tongue, giving the dragon a quick succession of finger gun pointing.

The dragon breathed in.

He turned back to the Firekeeper and Ludleth, pointing to the dragon with his thumb."He knows."

The dragon exhaled.

The Dusty died in a fiery maelstrom.

Two minutes later

"Maybe, that Claymore isn't so important," Dusty announced from his hiding place behind a crate, uncomfortably close to the aforementioned Hollow. "Like, I've been really trying to move away from materialism, you know, and I think this would be a great first step for me."

"Oh, I got that sword you wanted." The Firekeeper replied.

"How?"

"When you distracted the dragon, I snuck out and grabbed it. That was the plan, right?"

That would have been a much better idea. "Yes! Yes, that was the plan, yes indeedy do. I thought that one up with my Lothric Knight training and all that."

They left the tower in a mad sprint to the right, the Firekeeper fling a quick volley of firebombs to kill the mass of Hollows clogging the path. They walked up a small flight of steps until the knight halted in place. He listened. The clanking of heavy armor, getting closer, and a small crackling of electricity. A Lothric Knight was nearby. With abandon he leaped up the steps to greet what he assumed was an old friend that had also been revived.

He stopped short as he saw the face of had once been his superior. What was once a strong and stern but clear face had become wrinkled and locked in a permanent snarl. Shit. The giant knight walked forward implacably, forcing Dusty to backpedal. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the Firekeeper reeling back to chuck a firebomb and he held out his hand. "No, wait!" He drew his sword and replicated a Lothric battle stance as best as he could. "I have to fight this one."

The Firekeeper's voice had become soft. "Are you sure, Dusty?"

He gritted his teeth and pushed his heels into the stone. "Yeah."

Ludleth piped up from his back. "No kangaroo support?"

He let the man down from his back and watched him roll away to safety. "Not this time." He turned back to the Lothric Knight and banged his shield and sword together. "Well, come on! I don't have all day!"

The giant sprinted forward and swung his sword in a wide arc. Uselessly, Dusty raised his shield to block the attack and was sent flying backward. Not wishing to stop the attack the knight charged again and struck downward at Dusty. Once again, he raised his shield in a futile defense and the force of the blow implanted him into the ground. The knight growled in a Hollow mocking tone and stomped on the Unkindled, further imprinting him into the cobblestone. He picked up the now limp knight in a shower of stone, "So, uh, how about a time-out?" and flung him away into a stone wall.

The Unkindled impacted with the wall, further showering the area with rubble before falling to the ground in a cloud of dust. A self-mocking laugh rose out of the cloud. "Damn. Look's like even after all this time I'm still weak compared to you." Dusty shakily rose to his feet, brushing off rubble. He took a swig of Estus and sighed as the warmth of fire spread through his body, repairing his mangled bones. "But, I have learned how to use my own strength since I left here. He charged forward, his shield up. The Lothric Knight lifted his sword. "So give me my final lesson..." He looked up at his old leader. "Captain Kernel." The giant swung his sword down as Dusty jumped off the ground, his shield above his head. The attacks met and canceled exactly. "Lesson One: Don't underestimate a shield." Clear, Dusty rolled to the side, bashing his shield into the Captain's knee for good measure. "Lesson Two: Flank the opponent."

In a roar of anger, the Captain wheeled around and grabbed Dusty's leg in the finish of the roll and whipped him forward, throwing him into the stone arch in an explosion of dust. The giant knight waited as the cloud of dust settled, only to find no one.

A sword plunged into the giant's back and a kick sent him to the ground. "Lesson Three: Use stealth when needed." The giant swung his sword in retaliation, but Dusty had already rolled out of the sword's arc and sprinted away. The Captain charged after and together they neared a tree by the battlefield. Once there, Dusty jumped as the giant lunged his sword forward and it was implanted into the tree, with Dusty landing on top of the sword. He kicked the Captain in the head and sent him to his back, he drew a small iron bowl from his pouch and palmed it in his hand. Then jumped into the air and produced a firebomb from his pouch. "Lesson Four: Always have a final trick."

He came down on the knight with the firebomb resting in the iron bowl and as he impacted with the man's chest the bomb went off, bowl forcing the flames outward into the undead. "Bombengan!" Dusty yelled as the fire faded. The deed done, he got up from the ground as the Captain faded into souls. "See ya, Kernel." He muttered solemnly. A blast of laughter from the Firekeeper drew his attention.

"What?" He called back.

"What the Izalith was that? A Bombengan? That's nonsense, and you almost seemed really cool." She broke further into her fit of laughter, falling on the ground.

"What? It sounded cool," He pointed a finger at her. "It was a cool idea!" A spasm of pain forced him to put the arm back down. Just ignore that.

"Sure, sure, very impressive." She gasped out from the ground.

"Whatever, let's just get going!"

"Why? We can just use the Bombengan to get there!"

"It doesn't have speed-enhancing properties!"


	6. In-Between Stories: Set 1

**A Reluctant Knight's First Experiences In the Shrine**

_Andre and Handmaiden_

The Unkindled began to regret his decision to sell the katana immediately, walking right into an argument.

"Ay, let's talk about this, lass. You're just tangled up because I've aged so well! Admit it."

"Hardly, hammer-jocky."

The blacksmith flexed his arm. "No? Look at this arm, these Primordial Serpents are sick!"

"Oh! And what are you implying, that my muscles have not lasted through my long life? I would have you know I purchased a one-kilogram weight from a passing pilgrim last week, and it's been doing quite well for me!"

"Uh, hey," The Unkindled began. "Blacksmith guy, how many souls is this thing worth?" He held up the weapon.

Andre turned to him, and the Unkindled could see his rage boiling up."Oh! Oh, I see what's going on here!" He pointed at the knight accusingly. "So, now you have sunken so low as to hire actors in order to insult me! That is a low blow, old woman! A low. Blow."

The Unkindled held his hands out in defence. "Whoa, I don't know what's going on here. I was just looking to sell this wea-"

"Don't ye rub it in! I don't know how much she's been paying ya, but it t'aint worth a blow from me hammer!"

"What do you mean? Just buy this from me!" A hammer was flung at him, cutting him off as he ducked to avoid it. Without missing a beat the smith pulled a new hammer from behind his anvil and pointed it at the knight.

"I don't buy or sell weapons," Andre said, punctuating each word with a wave of the hammer. "And no matter how much you or the hag insult me about it, that won't be changing anytime soon. So go to her. But, sure as I am a smith, I will upgrade and repair y' weapons. But no armor, so take that pansy shite elsewhere. And..." He leaned toward the Unkindled and growled out. "It'll be at a premium now."

Numbly, the Unkindled turned and walked away back toward the Firekeeper.

"Prithee, be careful. I don't want to see m' work squandered!" Andre boomed behind him.

_ Leonhard _

"Oh, Unkindled!" A voice drifted from the top of the Shrine, next to the center throne. "Won't you come up here?"

The Unkindled complied, climbing the stairs to find a man dressed all in black, leaning against the throne. He gestured for him to come closer.

"Mm, Unkindled, are we... And fast on the trail of the Lords absconded? Then these red eyes are for you." The man purred out.

The Unkindled was beginning to really not like this guy. Despite his vast knowledge of fashion and stylish masks. Something this seemed off, and he was not into taking those... eyes? "Uh, thanks, guy. But, I'm good. No need for eyes."

The man could not be stopped, however, and pressed the objects into the Unkindled's hand with a stylish wave of his glove. "No, no, I insist. Use them to pillage embers," Mmm, he didn't really want to do that. "and briefly heighten your strength," No, he was good. "for your duty. What else are unkindled ashes good for?" Nope, nope, nope. Not into this situation.

"Look, uh, what's your name?"

"Another time." The man replied and with an infinitely stylish wave of his stylish cape he was gone in a stylish cloud of dust.

"I really need to get out of this place." The Unkindled muttered.

_ Hawkwood _

As soon as he saw the Wolfman beckon to him from his perch, the Unkindled knew he was going to be having a bad time. Sighing, he walked to the man and gave him a small wave. "What's up, Wolfman, you planning to head out today?"

Hawkwood scoffed. "I should hardly think so. I know my place, we Unkindled are worthless. I mean, we can't even die right!" He sighed, rubbing his face in anxiety, and gave a shake. "Gives me conniptions."

Despite all logic, he was beginning to like this guy. "I mean, yeah. You'll get no argument from me. Not as if I want to be alive much."

For the first time, he saw the man smile. "Exactly! And they'd have us seek the Lords of Cinder, and return them to their moulding thrones."

The Unkindled was getting into it now. Conversation with a like-minded individual energizing his tired mind. "I know right! I don't even know the guys too, and they want me to straight up kill them. Legends? I couldn't even sit on a campfire the right way! Heck, I didn't even make it that far, I just died!"

"We're talking true legends with the mettle to link the fire. We're not fit to lick their boots."

"Yeah, it's going to suck. But, I guess someone has to do it."

Hawkwood stopped and slowly turned to stare at him. "What? You want to hunt the Lords?"

The Unkindled shrugged. "I guess so? I don't know, just that I said I would try. Not as if there is much else to do around here. Tried to fish, all the fish were dead. Tried to start a garden, dirt is ash. Might as well go fight stuff and look around. Who knows, maybe I could become some legendary Lord of Cinder. Can't hurt to try, and if I do I get to die again anyway."

Hawkwood scoffed again and turned away from him. "Then you're a sodding fool. Just like the rest of them." Despite his words, the Unkindled detected just a slight loss in conviction.

He turned to leave, but Hawkwood stopped him. "Unkindled! Just one more thing."

"Yeah, Hawkwood?"

He gestured to the shield strapped to the Unkindled's back. "What is your opinion on shields?"

The Unkindled chuckled. "What do you mean? I couldn't fight without one. Only idiots can't appreciate a good shield. Too bad I've met more idiots than anything else."

Hawkwood stared at him a time, then nodded in satisfaction. "Well, at least you have one redeemable quality then. Unlike the rest of those fools. Good luck, I suppose, Unkindled. Not as if it will help you, though."

**Firekeeper's Preliminary Training**

"Come on now, Keep" The Unkindled admonished as he circled around the Firekeeper, shield raised. "You're the only person I've ever met who is intimidated more by a shield than a sword." He buried his helmet in his free hand. They had been at this for over an hour now, and he still couldn't get her to approach him with his shield up, or to put her shield up in return. "Look, maybe you should just stay here." He flinched as a pebble bounced against his helmet.

"No!" She yelled in protest, sword raised in a limp grip. "I wanna go, I'm tired of being here!"

He sighed in frustration. "Then you need to start working around my shield if you can't do that the Lothric Knights will tear you apart. So, come on, raise your shield too and get in close." Another pebble came flying at him, this time he raised his shield and it was deflected harmlessly away. "See, that's how you use a sh-" He yelped and was flung to the ground as a sword arced over his shield and smashed into the visor of his helmet.

The Firekeeper laughed. "How's your shield now?"

The Unkindled leaned up, Reproach already resting on his lips. But, at the sight of her, he stopped. She was bowing in her stance, shield almost touching the ground. Her breath had become heavy and ragged, and sweat had begun to pour down her face. In short, she was exhausted, her determination alone keeping her in the training session. He took a deep breath to cool down and did his best swallow the insult he had loaded up. "Let's take a break, alright? We can share some Estus."

The Firekeeper shook her head. "No, no, no. I need to get this right." She attempted to raise the shield and growled in irritation as it fell from her grip. "Just, give me a second."

"Well, how about this? I'm exhausted too at this point, so let's take a break.  _For me_." He stressed the light part heavily for her.

She seemed to have no problem with that and struggled over to where the Unkindled sat, plopping down next to him. "I guess that's fine, then. As long as you need a break."

He smiled at her. "Yeah, yeah." He reached into the bonfire and pulled out a glowing orange bottle. He held it out to her. "Here, drink this."

She pulled back in disgust, tongue stuck out. "Ew, no way! That's what all those Undead drink, isn't it?"

"Yes, which is what you are. And don't lie, if you been here as long as you would have to have been you can't be just human."

"Well... well, that doesn't matter! I don't even know what's in that bottle. You stuck it in the fire, and now there's liquid inside, that makes no sense."

The Unkindled blinked in surprise and looked down at the bottle, he scratched his head. The thought had never occurred to him before, what the Izalith had he been drinking all this time? He shivered, better not to think about it right now. "Who cares? You're tired, right? Muscles ache, bones bruised, hands shredded from the metal?"

Hesitantly, she nodded.

"Well, it'll get worse. You haven't trained before, so tomorrow your muscles will hurt even worse, and you won't be able to use them. Usually, that'd be fine. We could take a break day and you could recover. But," the Firekeeper stared at the ground and gulped, already knowing what he was going to say. "since you demanded to come with me tomorrow, we need to get training done today."

The Firekeeper wrung her hands.

Once again, the Unkindled held the bottle out to her. "So, either you drink this now, or you're not coming with me tomorrow." He deepened his voice to try and give it more authority. "End of discussion."

She sucked in a breath and puffed out her cheeks in anger as her face became red. "Oh, fine! I'll drink it." In one quick motion she pinched her nose and began chugging the contents. The Firekeeper tipped the bottle until it was raised vertically over her face. She continued drinking, small drops of estus spilling onto the front of her dress. She ignored it and continued to chug. Her body became enveloped in light as her bruises and cuts disappeared.

A few moments more and the Unkindled began to get worried. He held out his hand to retrieve the bottle, voice shaking. "Alright now, Keep. I think that's enough. You've had a lot."

She ignored him and continued drinking.

"Hey! Stop it! I need some too!"

More chugging was his only answer, and her body glowed even more intensely with yellow light. It was becoming blinding now.

"Damn it, give me the bottle!" He grabbed the bottle out of her hands and they engaged in a small tugging match. "Give it!"

"Mo, if's mimem!(No, it's mine)" The Firekeeper yelled as she attempted to continue drinking the Estus.

"Well, I want some now!"

The Firekeeper shook her head furiously. "Mm-mm!"

The Unkindled heaved back, and with a resounding pop, the bottle was dislodged from her lips. The Firekeeper was flung to her back on the ground as the light died down. She gasped for air. Pouting, he stuck the bottle back into the fire to allow it to fill back up again.

"That's so good!" The Firekeeper yelled. "It tastes like... like I don't know! Some kind of citrus-y drink that I can't even describe, somehow it's even cold too." She smacked her teeth together. "It's kind of making my teeth sticky, though."

The Unkindled took the bottle out of the fire and took a drink himself, getting to his feet. "Ready to get back to training, then?"

The Firekeeper nodded. "Yeah! I don't even feel tired now."

"It'll do that to you."

As the two got back into practice formation, the din of Andre's hammer invaded the Unkindled's thoughts. That gave him an idea. "Keep, there's a compromise I think we could make here." He pointed to the buckler she held in her hand. "If I find you a weapon that doesn't require you to use a shield, would you work on attacking around my shield better?"

"Of course! That would be much easier, but I don't know what weapon we have around here that could..." She was cut off by a wave of the Unkindled's hand.

"Don't worry about that, just wait a second." He dropped his sword and shield and sprinted up the steps to where Andre sat.

The Firekeeper stood awkwardly, picking at the dust on her dress as she tried to ignore the shouting match between the Unkindled and Andre done in hissed whispers. All she managed to gather was a whispered protest of "'But I'm still sharpening it!'" by Andre. The whispers died down and the Unkindled jogged back down the steps holding Andre's Estoc in his arms.

"Here." He held out the weapon to her. She took it and shifted the weapon around in her hands, feeling out the weight and feel of the weapon.

She didn't know what, but something about the weapon at that moment clicked in her head. With replenished confidence the held the weapon up and squared off against the Unkindled.

He nodded in approval. "There we go, that's what I like to see. Now, this weapon is technically used with a shield, but we can work around that for the moment. It's mainly used for quick poking attacks, quick in and even quicker back out. Try that out."

The Unkindled raised his shield and make out as if he was attacking her. In a swift charge, the Firekeeper stepped in to deliver two quick jabs with the weapon, as the Unkindled swung his sword she jumped back. Ducking under the sword, and she leaned to give a third poke. It landed square in the Unkindled's side, or it would have if his hand had not grabbed it. "Nice one, Keep. You're a natural at this! Didn't expect you to be that fast."

The Firekeeper put one hand on her hip and leaned back confidently. "Well, I have had a lot of free time. Some was used to run every few weeks or so."

"Fair enough, that's something we can use. Now, let's try and pierce my shield."

The clangs and thuds of battle wore long into the night, giving flight to dreams of adventure and exploration for the Firekeeper. She now had a path to freedom. One she wouldn't let pass.

**Important Discussions**

A quiet breeze sailed through the Shrine as the Unkindled and Ludleth reclined next to the bonfire. Thuds and clatters resonated from the Firekeeper's room, just quiet enough to be ignored, as she prepared to leave the Shrine the next morning. The Unkindled took a drink from his Ashen Estus Flask and melted in pleasure as the liquid worked its way through his body. He and Ludleth had been sitting in simple silence for almost thirty minutes now, and both had drifted into a reverie of contemplation.

All of a sudden, a singular thought pushed its way through the contemplations of the Unkindled. His eyes widened as it burst into his mind and took hold, refusing to dissipate. It was one of those thoughts you often kicked yourself for not considering before. It couldn't be ignored now, and he had to have an answer, or at least express his thought in spoken word. "Say, Ludleth," He began, drink still resting against his visor. "mind if we discuss something? I think it's important."

Ludleth turned to him, his gentle smile still plastered to his wrinkled visage. "Why, of course, Unkindled. As long as you don't chew my ear off, or legs." He chuckled. "Crippled joke. Anyhow, what is it?"

The Unkindled shifted his helmet around. "Well, I've just been wondering... maybe you have been too, but, well..." He turned to Ludleth, and pointed to the Firekeeper's room. "Does she not seem, well, blind enough to you? She is blind, isn't she?"

The small man's eyes widened into saucers as he slowly rested his head on his hand. He opened his mouth to begin a reply but closed it again. He did this multiple times as he attempted to try and answer. For the first time in his very long two lives, the man was completely flabbergasted. "I... I can't very well say, Unkindled."

In the blink of an eye, the two Undead leaned together conspiratorially in a huddle, now speaking in hushed whispers. "Exactly! Something isn't right, because she really doesn't seem blind at all."

Ludleth shook his head, eyes still widened. "No, no. When you were training yesterday she moved like she had perfect vision. She even ducked under your attack."

"Yeah, that's why I didn't notice! I just took it for granted, but now that I think about it, even if she wasn't blind, her tiara or whatever would obscure her vision, right?"

"Yes, I should think so..." Ludleth trailed off and looked at the Unkindled. They had arrived at the same conclusion.

"You don't think..."

Ludleth nodded. "It's the only way that makes sense."

"Well, yeah, but how? Is it some kind of Firekeeper-only black magic?"

"It must be something of the like, I haven't seen her without it."

Paranoia rising up within them they stared side-eyed at the open door to the Firekeeper's room, next to the bonfire steps. They trembled in a mixture of fear and curiosity. "What in the Izalith is she?" The Unkindled whispered.

They heard steps coming from inside the Firekeepers room, getting closer. In a flash the two faced back toward the bonfire. Ludleth twiddling his thumbs innocently as the Unkindled ran his finger along the rim of his bottle.

The Firekeeper walked by in a towel, heading toward the Shrine washroom. Her tiara was now off, and as the Unkindled stared at her he noticed she was walking quite slowly and methodically, but her steps had no hesitation, like a train on a track.

She approached the steps and the Unkindled's conscience got the best of him, he raised his hand toward her, "Hey, uh, Keep! You need any help over there?" he squeaked out.

Blindly she swung her head around before settling on a point about five feet away from where he sat. "No, I'll be perfectly fine, I've walked this path thousands of times. Thank you, though."

"No, it's good, just wondering..." The Unkindled trailed off into nervous laughter as he turned back toward the bonfire.

As the washroom door slid shut, the pair gathered into their huddle again. "It's totally the tiara." The Unkindled hushed out.

"But, how? What manner of magic is that? That allows her to see so clearly. Even the best sensory spells have gaps in them."

"Do you think..." he looked to the open door of the Firekeeper's room. "We could check it out?"

"Do you think that would be an invasion of her privacy, though?"

"Yeah, probably, but what if it's something crazy! Like some old-gods of Londor kind of stuff!"

"That would be impressive."

Their decision was made. The Unkindled slung Ludleth on his back and they stalked toward the Firekeeper's room. They tip-toed straight to her bed, ignoring the hulking piles of identical dresses and foot wrappings littering the ground. The Unkindled had to weave around stacks of books as tall as a man, containing every subject. Pyromancy, sorcery, history, science, herbs, and what little science had survived the multiple kingdoms. But, mostly pyromancy and history. On the bedside table sat the tiara in question. Hands trembling, the Unkindled picked up the object and exploded into a fit of sweating. The power that tiara could have held left him speechless.

Ludleth piped up from his shoulder. "Do you want to try it first, or me?"

He looked back and gulped. He took a deep breath and steeled himself. "No, I'll do it."

He raised his visor and brought the tiara to his eyes. Unfortunately, he did not consider the effects of a person with sight using the object.

The tiara fully covered his eye-

Dark, light, betrayal, fire, death, disease, heat, cold, grand betrayal, Lothric, death, prepare to die, disparity, Miyazaki, Souls, souls, Dark Souls, Furtive Pygmy, Gwyn, Solaire, waifu, Crossbreed waifu, memes, Dank Souls, builds, meta-game, pvp, pve, Bestoc, Giant-dad, Dexfag, whoa that's homophobic, Dark swords, Fallen Knight Set, git gud, git gud, praise the sun, grossly incandescent, Sunny D, Gwyndolin best waifu, trap Gwyndolin, Onionbro, YOU DIED, amazing chest ahead, Let's stare at bricks for twenty minutes, jolly cooperation, the tits are a lie, casuls, casuls galore, can't stop the rock, don't pull the lever, anus helm, gives me conniptions, finest ass in Boreal Valley, provide thee succ, the flow of time is convoluted, the flow of time is convoluted, the flow of time is convoluted, the flow of time is convolu-

With a desperate convulsion, he flung the tiara from his eyes and fell to the ground in spasms. They wracked his body as his eyes roamed wildly about the room.

Ludleth shook his shoulder in a panic. "What is it? What have you seen, Unkindled?"

He hacked out a response after a series of gasps and near-vomits. "I have seen forbidden knowledge, Ludleth, things we were not meant to see." He raised himself up to be on his hands and knees. "I pity the sorry souls that dare to brave that shitstorm." He stood up and cracked his back. "I really need some estus after that whole experience."

Without a care in the world, the Firekeeper strolled back into her room and put the tiara back on. Sighing in relief. "Much better."

**What Manner of Game Is This?**

"Hey, Ludleth!" The Unkindled yelled as he burst into the Shrine's main chamber. "Will you play a game with me?"

The crippled man's head shot up from his throne, where he had been deep in thought. He gave the knight a pleasant smile. "Of course, not as if I had much to do anyhow." As the Unkindled approached, however, he leaned down from his throne in a sort of contained curiosity. "What's the game?" He questioned excitedly.

The Unkindled held up two stacks of cards, both bound with a small leather band. "A card game we used to play back in Lothric, Swords and Souls." He picked Ludleth up and sat him down at a table he had set up near the bonfire, he then sat in the seat opposite. "I can't believe these things survived my death!"

Ludleth rubbed his hands together. "Ah, ah, so it is a card game I see. I was quite good at those in my day."

"Want to know the rules?"

"No, no, I'm quite alright, I learn quickly."

"Okay then," He laid both stacks on the table. "Do you want the Lords of Londo deck or the Undead Rebirth deck?"

"...Hm?"

. . . . .

"Ha! Alright, Ludleth, prepare to die!"

"Well, I'd really rather not..."

"I activate my  **Linking of the First Flame** Trap Card, it destroys all monsters on the field!"

"Oh my! I needed those, I think."

"And since my  **Gwyn, Lord of Sunlight** was destroyed by this effect, I can special summon  **Gwyn, Lord of Cinder** from my extra deck!"

"Mm. That seems bad."

"I'll attack you directly with 4000 attack, bringing your Life Points to zero! I win!"

A quiet breeze whistled through the Shrine, dislodging the cards on the table. With a yelp the Unkindled lept to gather the scattered pieces of paper. He stood back up with a huff and walked back to the table.

"..."

"Yeah, Ludleth?"

"Unkindled, I'm mortified at my misled confidence earlier, but I am not quite sure I am fully realizing the purpose of this game."

"What do you mean?"

"It's somewhat... confusing. Especially now that I am apparently deceased. Again. Ah, for the seventeenth time, actually."

The Unkindled shrugged. "Yeah, I guess Swords and Souls does have a bit of a learning curve at first, probably why it only had a cult following outside Lothric. Still though," He shivered. "Some of those guys could get intense, especially out in the Boreal Valley, total Souls-heads that lot. Anyway, don't worry. We'll just start from the beginning..."

. . . . .

With newfound confidence, Ludleth drew his hand and began setting down cards. "First, I shall begin this turn by summoning my  **Hollow Infantry(Atk: 1200, Def: 300)** monster in attack position. I will also play my  **Bonfire** field spell. Undead monsters I control gain 500 attack when sent to the graveyard and 500 attack when summoned from it. I end my turn."

The Unkindled smiled. "Not bad, not bad. Alright then, I'll summon my  **Batwing Demon(Atk:1400, Def: 200)** And I'll play the  **Darkmoon's Favor** continuous spell, it gains a counter every time my monsters defeat yours by battle. Once per turn, I can place as many counters as I want on a monster and it gains 300 attack for each one." He pointed to the  **Hollow Infantry.**  "I'll take my chances here, and attack that monster."

"Then I take," Ludleth put the card in his graveyard. "200 damage. Do you end, Unkindled?"

"I'll set one card face down, and I end."

Ludleth drew a card. He then slowly placed it on the table. The Unkindled grimaced in defeat. "I play the  **Curse of the Undead** continuous spell. Once per turn I can special summon a monster from my graveyard. I summon my  **Hollow Infantry**  now with 2200 attack."

"Ah, damn it."

"I'll attack your  **Batwing Demon** , then I'll tribute my  **Hollow Infantry**  to summon the  **Chosen Undead(Atk: 2500, Def:2000)** , I'll set one card face down and end my turn."

The Unkindled drew a card and smiled in relief. "I summon  **Silver Knight(Atk: 1900, Def: 1300)** and I'll activate my  **Linking the First Flame** Trap Card. It destroys all monsters on the field, and since  **Silver Knight** was destroyed by this effect, I can special summon  **Black Knight(Atk: 3000, Def: 2500)** I attack you direct-"

"Wait," Ludleth held up a finger. "I play the  **Darksign** quick spell, it lets me special summon an Undead monster destroyed this turn from my deck, it gains an extra 1000 attack."

"Oh Sweet Jesus Pygmy..." The Unkindled murmured.

"So I special summon  **Chosen Undead** with 4500 attack."

The Unkindled sighed in defeat. "Then my  **Black Knight** would attack that, and it is destroyed. I take 1500 damage, and I end my turn."

"I summon Hollow Infantry from my graveyard with 3200 attack. And with that, I believe you are defeated, Unkindled."

The Unkindled leaned back in his seat and laughed. "Man, Ludleth, you really did catch on fast. Wanna go again?"

Ludleth nodded. "Let's switch decks this time, however. I am quite interested in that strategy."

The game was played long into the night as the bonfire crackled beside them. In what was one of many times, the worries of the world and their duties were forgotten completely. Having been replaced by battles between the monsters they had once fought themselves.


End file.
